Carl Smith was doing ten years in prison because he had horrible parents. His father was a drunk and abusive twat who proudly wore his stained wife-beater shirt. His mother was also a drunkard idiot; however, she was the submissive drunk. She would inject herself with the “make-me-feel-good medicine” while watching the Maury show. Naturally, living in a damn trailer wasn’t very beneficial for Carl’s upbringing, resulting in him doing ten years in prison.

Carl used to get trains run on his ass while in prison because he came across as a very submissive and wifey material. It’s a prison; literally, anything can be wifey material in prison. Even the socks bundled up as a ghetto fleshlight is wifey material in prison.

The ten years had finally passed, and Carl was a free man. Although finding a job would be hard for him, but hey, that’s what taxpayers are for. The same day he got out, he decided to eat something fancy to get the prison food and oral prostate exams out of his mouth. To Carl, obviously, the fanciest restaurant for him was Denny’s. It didn’t matter to him if he didn’t have any money. It’s fucking Denny’s! He can halfheartedly flirt with the waitress, and she’ll pay for it despite her struggling to earn that hourly minimum wage. Carl had an excuse for being an asshole. He had horrible parents, did time in prison, and had Thomas the train engine crew run on him.

He walked in there, smelling like sexual abuse and cigarettes. He ordered the Honey Jalapeno Bacon Slam. His waitress was Jessica, who takes home a new guy every night and introduces him as Uncle some-fucking-random-trashy-white-dudes-name to her son Jimmy. She would tell him uncle whatever-name is a doctor and perform a colonoscopy on her. Jessica was always hoping that this might be the guy for her. In all seriousness, though, she should ditch men because she has horrible taste in men. Perhaps she should become a hermit or a crazy cat lady, literally anything, as long as she gives up men.

Now let us fast forward this obviously very cringy and horrible romantic tale a bit. Two days later and their relationship is going very seriously at this point. It’s the first time Jessica has been with the same man for more than a night, and the first time in ten years, Carl has been with a woman. Jessica had introduced Carl to her son as the uncle who will be living with them from now on.

It’s Jimmy’s birthday, and Carl wants to impress Jessica so he can continue smashing her while also having shelter and food prepared by her. He used the money he steals from her every night to buy a cheap and shitty $5 cake from Safeway, which is pretty much sponge with frosting that tastes like kids’ toothpaste. Carl sets up a foldable chair in the backyard and sets the cake on it with two damn red balloons barely inflated laying on the floor. Jimmy’s life is similar to Carl’s childhood; he has shitty parents.

Carl invited all his buddies to a six-year-olds birthday party to drink beer, which cost more than the birthday cake he had bought. Those were the only people attending the birthday party. Jimmy sat there by himself in the backyard while the wind was blowing, counting ants crawling over his cake. Wishing his life was as fun as the ants. While Jimmy was communicating with the ants because he had literally fucking lost it, his mother was getting a train run on her by Carl and his buddies.

The End

P.S. Randstad, get some decent cake for your employees. When I tasted that terrible and cheap cake, this depressing story came to mind.