F.A.S.T. Global Marketing – The Illuminati’s Shit Pyramid
December 12, 2018
Go back

Great fucking logo. Love the drop-shadow effect. 11/10, 5-star logo!

Back around June of 2017, my contract was coming to an end with my current employer at the time. I was applying everywhere, swiping left and right. Shit, I made a LinkedIn account to apply for some positions listed on there. I was looking at regular office desk jobs. That’s when I came across “F.A.S.T. Global Marketing,” a total shit company that was handing out pyramids made out of turd.

The position I applied for was a “Recruitment Assistant/Office Administrator.” The requirements weren’t high where they expect you to have a BA or Masters degree for a job that anyone’s old and arthritis-ridden Golden Retriever can do. The description included your typical vague job description of “seeking fun pro enthusiastic team player while coordinating professional high stakes and fiber optical drive for passion and scanning documents.” No one knows what the fuck any of it means, but you assume what it is from the job title and apply regardless.

Within a couple of hours of applying, I received a call from them—your typical “like umm, sooo, such as and the likes” type of girl. I probably don’t have to explain much, but it’s the type of girl you want to have sex with but not have any meaningful conversations with. The only time she seems somewhat normal and functional is when she’s stoned. So anyway, I forget what her name was. Who knows if she even used her real name or anyone at that company for that matter. I received various emails; some were sent by Stephanie, Maria, and some without a name. It’s a fucking circus. Who cares.

Now I thought it was weird to receive a call for an interview within a couple of hours of applying. Then again, I was on my 30-day premium LinkedIn trial; I thought that could have been the reason for the quick response. Not much was discussed, just that she thought I was a great fit, and that I needed to schedule a phone interview. I schedule a phone interview for a Friday within the same week.

I have my phone interview with a girl who sounded exactly like the person that initially called me. It really wasn’t an interview. She schedules me for an in-person interview with one of the managers and tells me to come dressed in professional business attire. Somewhat desperate for a job, I agreed to wear a fucking tie.

A day before the interview, I asked if they validated parking. The receptionist told me they didn’t. Somewhat weird, because I’ve never been in an interview where the company didn’t validate fucking parking in God damned Seattle. The next day I go in for my interview, I park in the garage. It’s a fancy-looking building across from one of the Amazon buildings. I go to the 8th floor, and there are different offices in that hallway. Nothing seems strange, so far.

I find the right office number and enter inside. BAM! Right away, I see and smell faux business practices. The chick sitting at the receptionist looking like an up-and-coming IG model doing this as a side gig until she finds the right sugar daddy. She didn’t seem to be into her job at all; you could tell. She didn’t have that right charm for being an actual receptionist. She tells me to hand her my resume and tells me to take a seat. I notice the office is filled with a lot of people, and it’s pretty damn loud. Some shitty pop/rap combo song (typical Pitbull garbage) playing loudly, and most likely on a cheap Bluetooth speaker.

I notice other applicants waiting to be called in for an interview. They were all dressed up like I was. Fooled into believing any of this matters for a fucking pyramid scheme which is what this was. As I’m waiting, a girl walks out of one of the office rooms. Then another, and another. in total, about 6 girls walked out but in turns. They all headed into another room where the music was playing. It seemed like a party inside. That shit was, as the hip and cool kids say, LIT AS FUCK! These girls that walked out all looked to be in their early 20s. They all looked like they could be IG escorts. Total 10s according to IG model beauty standards. Perhaps they were all prominent feminists fighting against patriarchal dominance in today’s society and breaking stereotypes by working there. I’m just kidding, they were obviously not working there.

Tofiq Bolwala – Founder of shit

A couple of minutes pass by, they all seem to be enjoying themselves. Laughing and having a fucking blast in the other room. Eventually, these six or so girls walk out, a couple of regular-looking guys come out. The guys looked at some of the applicants sitting and started telling us how much we’d love working there. They high-five a couple of the applicants as if we’re a bunch of kids on the short bus. These guys and the chicks all gave each-other high-fives before heading out on the “field.” They seemed pumped up to be working there, like a fucking Golden Retriever eyeing a blind paraplegic person as a possible client that is seeking a service dog. Literally a Golden Retriever’s only purpose in life.  Otherwise, no one wants a fucking Golden Retriever. If this all wasn’t a scam, I’d say it was a cult. That could have been the only other explanation for all of this.

As soon as they walk out, some guys step into the waiting area and call each of the applicants into their room. The alleged manager that called me was an Indian male in his late twenties to early thirties. I think his name was Marlon. I don’t really know and who cares at this point. Whatever name he gave me was fake, I’m sure of it. Marlon takes me to this room filled with cheap fake trophies that you can buy in bulk from alibaba.com. They had trophies from companies such as AT&T, Comcast, Disney, and Verizon, to name a few. Apparently, they were trophies given to F.A.S.T. Global Marketing for being an outstanding partner. They were labels that were printed out and stuck onto the fucking trophies. I guess each of these companies got their trophies from the same supplier because they all looked the same.

“Marlon” – A typical yeast infection

Marlon starts asking me what I like to do in my free time, my favorite sports, and whatnot. He was using small talk to get into the character of an Indian roadside scammer that preys on white tourists in India looking for enlightenment from some guru. Except in this situation, I’m not “considered” white, and I’m fully aware of these scam tactics. I notice Marlon doesn’t even have my resume on hand, which his receptionist took from me to hand to him. Oh, and by the way, she never actually got out of her seat when I was in the lobby; I know for a fact she didn’t hand it to him.

Marlon asks me what position I applied for, and I was a bit surprised that he didn’t already know. I told him that I applied for the Recruitment Assistant/Office Administrator role and that I wasn’t aware of any other position being available. Naturally, this Indian roadside scammer could see right through me. He saw my fucking potential in life. Not really. He was just full of shit. Marlon told me that he thinks I’m a better fit as a project manager. Keep in mind, I have no previous project management experience at this point in my life. I obviously saw through his bullshit right away; I just went along to see where this was going.

Now, this sentient yeast infection starts using Wall Street business lingo. He grabs a piece of paper with a pen and begins to write some words, drawing some circles and arrows, all while talking really fast. Typical bullshit you see and hear a scammer or car salesman do. They write things down that are not relevant or draw circles on the paper. They might just be drawing phallic-shaped objects and writing down their plans to shoot their wife and kids and then end their life, but they’re talking so fast and seem convincing enough that you ignore the rest of the malice on the piece of paper. Not me, though.

He discusses how I’d be managing people under me (imagine layers of a pyramid) while continuing using unnecessary Wall Street lingo. By this point, I can tell he realized he’s not convincing me, and I don’t seem enthusiastic at all. I mean, come on now? The entertainment had finished. I saw the charade in the lobby. I sat through Marlon’s shtick, so what else was left? I was bored at this point. So in a shitty attempt to end it while still having the upper hand and power in some psychological warfare tactic, he asks me if an $80,000 salary sounded good. Now keep in mind, I was going to the gym quite frequently at this time. Whatever developed shoulders and proper posture I had, made him seem inferior with his rounded shoulders and ridiculous slouch. I’m not Arnold Schwarzenegger but compared to him, I was. Also, the fact that he couldn’t scam me at all, was very unsettling to him. Marlon needed this one-up over me. I just replied with a lackadaisical “Sure man, sounds good.” and I stood up. He tried his last power card here and told me he would go over it with the other managers, and I would get a call if they decided to move forward with my application. I replied with an “Alright man.” and left.

Later that day, I ended up returning my suit and tie back to Sears and let the cashier know my job interview was over, so I didn’t need it anymore. Now me being the person I am, I decided to look into this company a little bit more. I Googled Marlon and F.A.S.T. Global Marketing and came across some of Marlon’s videos on YouTube. His videos are not available anymore, probably because I commented with a review of his theatrics. The videos consisted of him explaining his tactics when luring customers at a Walmart or at an event to sign up for some crap. Marlon goes on about how he starts small talk with a potential customer, and once he’s got them talking, he introduces the product or services he’s trying to sell. Marlon then mentions how once he’s got the ball rolling, he’ll give them the form or an iPad to fill out their details while continuing the small talk so they won’t have the time to question what they’re buying. I am not making this up; he was actually giving out insider tips on how he tricks people into signing up for services.

I guess these videos were used to train other pyramid builders. Not sure why the videos weren’t private or anything. It seems that there are no real managers at this company. Marlon was a regular scammer; he wasn’t a manager. It seems anyone working there can give themselves whatever title they wish. There are no managers; you introduce yourself as a manager if you want to recruit someone into this pyramid scheme.

Here’s an excellent example of someone named Brandon at F.A.S.T. Global Marketing, giving themselves the title of a corporate trainer… Yet somehow doing field sales work.

Remember, guys, make sure you’re killing it out there. Make sure your image and what you say is on point errtime!

Eat a dick F.A.S.T. Global Marketing.


F.A.S.T. Global Marketing – YouTube (All their shit scam tactics have been removed or made private)