Starlink – Battle for Atlas, Kill Yourself if You Buy This
June 13, 2017
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Another shitty Ubisoft game.

Please fucking kill me!

So instead of explaining why this is a shitty game, I’ll just set out a scenario for you instead.

John is a 35-year-old twat that spends most of his time on 4chan and Reddit. He lives with his single mother, part of the Odobenus genus, and receives an SSI income. However, as of recent, he feels conflicted because he used to be a 4chan purist and hated Reddit. His 4chan peers have started to bully him for also posting on Reddit. This has led him to exhibit even more bitch like behavior in his house. His mother’s level 3 diabetes has made her impatient with her son’s bullshit. She demanded he gets a job and does something with his life.

Now John, without work experience, is forced to work at a Dominos. There’s no shame in making an honest living. Good for John! The only problem is, putting a pizza in the oven has made him think, “Eyyyyyy, I know good pizza,” and is now an even bigger gaping twat. John, the fucker who earns minimum wage, is now bossing around high-schoolers and micromanaging them, who are making just as much as he is. Every Friday is “customer interaction role-play day,” where John grabs a poor soul and has a one-on-one role-play with them to improve their customer service skills… At a fucking pizza place!

John has no friends aside from another man in his 30s living with his mother in France who is also conflicted about being a 4chan purist, TsunadeFutaLover6635. Things get lonely and frustrating for John when he’s playing a game online. Especially when John calls everyone either a cuck or autistic instead of making new online friends. In John’s mind, he’s too good for these “retards” to be friends with.

One day, Kevin, a 17-year-old, joins the Dominos team. He just graduated from high school and needs a part-time job while going to community college. John, who lost even the slightest amount of respect among his coworkers, decided he take Kevin under his wing. He noticed Kevin having a “For the Horde” sticker on his car, and like John, there may have been a chance that Kevin, too, had 10 consecutive years’ worth of time spent in World of Warcraft. He had one thing in common with Kevin, and that was gaming.

John asked Kevin if he wanted to come over to his house to try this new game called “Starlink – Battle for Atlas” that had just come out. Kevin, naturally being naive, fresh out of high school, and having somewhat of an acquiescent personality, agreed. However, John did not mention that the game uses a toy fighter jet that you place on top of the controller to play the game. Kevin was under the assumption that this was a two-player co-op game.

The night came when Kevin’s shift was about to end, and Kevin planned to go over to John’s house to try out that game. John called Kevin and instructed him to grab a pizza while also lecturing him on the ethics of using employee discounts for friends and family. Kevin arrives outside John’s house and rings the doorbell. While waiting for John to answer, he could hear John arguing with his mother. His mother was worried John may have brought in a drug dealer, and he needed to be cautious with whom he befriends. Eventually, John makes his way to the door and opens it for Kevin.

John leads Kevin to his room, walking past his mother and the smoke filling the room with lung cancer particles. Kevin entered a messy room full of pro-gamer drinks and snacks consisting of Mountain Dew and Spicy Doritos. Kevin sat on the edge of John’s very creaky bed, and just as he expected to be handed a second controller, he noticed John did not have one. He realized this wasn’t going to be a co-op split-screen experience but instead would have to wait his turn when John dies in the game. However, that was not going to happen anytime soon due to John’s pro-gaming expertise.

An hour and twenty-nine minutes into the game, John finally died, and it was Kevin’s turn. Kevin being new to the game, didn’t know how to play it and the purpose of a damn toy on the controller. Enemies swarm in to attack Kevin, while John yells at him and calls him a cuck to change the blasters on the toy. He told Kevin to switch out the B34 Plasma modules for the B69 Shafter modules. Kevin expects to access the weapons option in the menu. He presses the options button on the Dualshock controller to pause the game.

Eventually, John called Kevin an autistic cuck, like he typically does online. He tells Kevin to physically remove the parts on the toy attached to the controller and to swap them out with a different piece. While Kevin was switching out the pieces, he was shot down and lost. A now heavily breathing and furious John told Kevin to get out. Kevin walked out of the room, and on his way out, he noticed John’s mother sleeping on the sofa with her cigarette burning a hole into the couch. Kevin whipped out his penis and urinated on John’s mother, and left the house.

That is how shitty Starlink – Battle for Atlas is going to be.

Posted in: Gayming Scenario Time