Starbucks’ Afrika Bambaataa-esque Bamboozleness
September 20, 2018
Go back

Fooled niggas in The Bronx with his Hotep bullshit while supplying boys to that one pizza place.

From: Me

Hello fancy city folks of Starbucks,

I feel that I was bamboozled by your store! Today my XXXXXX XXX had a 24-hour XXXXX XXX at the XXX hospital in XXX. Now I’m a borderline Amish individual with a humble pitchfork collection (all licensed) and I do not typically drive to fancy cities or go to buy fancy coffee. Most of my childhood I was taught coffee beverages awoke the inner demon in one, sort of similar to Evanescence’s wake me up inside song. Sorry, I couldn’t think of a better example you city folks could relate to other than the satanic music you may listen to.

I was given a gift card by my father who had gone against the Amish covenant by buying a Starbucks gift card. I’m sure our Amish village elder Jamal will punish my father. Heartbreaking but I will have to accept his fate. So I decided to use that gift card and go downstairs to the main lobby where your Starbucks store is located at. By the way, I really liked how the atmosphere was different than the very bright and very obvious it’s a hospital atmosphere. Great job on that! Me being completely Amish and unaware of the city folks coffee lifestyle, I ordered two “Vanilla Sweet Cream Cold Brew,” some cold ice tea bottle and two scones.

This is where I feel I have been bamboozled just like the Hip-Hop community was bamboozled by Africa Bambaataa into thinking he was Hip-Hop’s saint and or savior. Instead, Mr. Bambaataa colluded with the white man and was fiddling with little boys. That is the level and bamboozlness I have felt today. You have the word sweet mentioned in the name of the vanilla cold brewed beverage. Instead of feeling the grasp of the level 3 diabetes inside my mouth, all I tasted was bitter gourd. It was extremely bitter and fitting of the name is given on your menu. Nor was there any visible cream like it’s pictured in your world wide web internet site.

The scones I ordered were very akin to stones. Now I understand the two words, scones and stones only have a letter difference but they are indeed very different. I received stones. I did not try the ice tea bottle I bought, however with the experience I’ve had so far, I doubt I’ll enjoy that either. Hell, not even my name was written correctly on the cup.

My total came up to 18 something United States of America Dollars. Now me being a borderline Amish, I naturally trust people in general so I did not take my receipt. I also paid the remaining balance that was not covered by the gift card out of my own broadfall trousers. I am very disappointed with you Starbucks city folks. My first experience was horrendous.



P.S. Bitter gourd is a great ingredient to add into your diet if you have level 3 diabetes.

From: Edwin R. at Starbucks  

Dear XXX,

Thank you for contacting Starbucks. I just finished reading your email and appreciate your taking the time to share your concerns with us.

XXX, I’m truly sorry the 2 Vanilla Sweet Cream Cold Brew’s you ordered, were made incorrectly. I deeply apologize for the fact your name was not even written correctly on the cup, and for the fact the scones did not meet your expectations. I totally understand how disappointing and even frustrating this situation was for you. This is not definitely the Starbucks experience we want you to have.

Starbucks always strive to provide our customers with the drinks that they like and how they like them, and for that, I would like to pass your comments on to the store, but unfortunately, I cannot find it. If you reply to this email with more information about the store (such as cross streets), it will help me locate it. Feel free to look at our store locator at for stores information.

Finally, I would like to invite you back for a better experience by crediting your Starbucks Card, but, in order to do so, I’d like to have the 16 digits of your Card or the email with which your Card is associated. If you do not have a Starbucks Card, please reply to this email with your mailing address so we can send you one right away. Thank you very much for giving us the opportunity to fix something that went wrong.

Looking forward to hearing from you. I wish you a very wonderful day!

Sincerely yours,
Edwin R.
Starbucks Customer Care

From: Me  

Dear Edwin, Thanks for reaching out. I’m so pleased that a city person humbled themselves enough to reply to an Amish such as I. I’m assuming you’re replying from the main Seattle headquarter? If so, as much as I’d love to come out there and give you a big ol’ hug, I’m afraid I’ve heard some stories about heathens abusing someone named Mary Jane at that street. So instead I hope this Thank you will suffice. Thank you!  The store was located at: XXX XXX, XXX, XX XXXXXAgain, incognizant of city norms, when the cashier asked if I wanted the gift card back with no remaining balance left on it, I declined respectfully. So I do not have the original gift card anymore. However since you kindly offered to send me a gift card, perhaps I’ll give it another chance. My address is: XXX XXX XX XXXXX, XX XXXXX By the way Edwin, you don’t happen to have studied at XXX High School, did you? Just curious because I knew an Edwin back in the days of my youth. He used to sit in the back of the class and make animal sounds. I used to make fun of him for that. This would be very awkward if you were the very same Edwin. If you are… Sorry bruv. Sincerely, XXX XXX 

From: Eliett A. at Starbucks  


Thank you for getting back in touch with us.

XXX, thank you for the information regarding the store location. Your feedback is always important to us. You know better than anyone else what you want from Starbucks. I have forwarded your comments to the store manager for their review. Once again, I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused to you.

I would like to let you know that I have submitted an order to send a Starbucks card with $18.00 to the address you provided to compensate the inconvenience. You should receive this card in the mail within 7 to 12 business days. It should arrive un-registered, meaning that you will need to enter the new card 16 digit number and the 8-digit CSC in your account. This can be done on the “Add a Card” page on

If you ever have any questions or concerns in the future, please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Have a great day!

Eliett A.
Starbucks Customer Care