Mi wi teach yuh ow to hook up wid women using LinkedIn fi get tha pum-pum. Hell yuh might even be able fi guh daggering wid yuh new pum pum companion. Dis magic take sum effort but di end result worth it, but kip inna mind dis a nuh fi find dat boonoonoonoos. Nuh be a bumboclaat thinking yuh wi find wifey material pum-pum ya?

Ok, seriously fuck this; I can’t do this Jamaican Patwah nonsense. I’ll just continue the rest in regular English.

LinkedIn plays a massive role in this guide. Again, I can’t stress this enough, but this guide is not to get that wifey material girl in your life. It’s to get that IG “fitness model,” aka escort thot. The slam-bam thank you ma’am chick. She is not the woman you want to have kids or a relationship with. Wifey material doesn’t require LinkedIn and Instagram accounts.

The first step in getting that IG fitness model thot pum-pum is to create a LinkedIn account. After you have signed up, it’s time to set up your profile. Now here is where it gets crucial. Go to JC Penney and buy a tuxedo, don’t worry too much about the cost because you will be returning that mother fucker as soon as you’re done with the next step. Wear it, take your picture, and make sure it’s not a selfie picture. Have someone take it out for you, set your camera or phone on a tripod, and set the self-timer. Look at some stock office photos of stiff businessmen. You want to look just like that. You may also want to sit in front of a laptop; make sure it’s an Apple MacBook Pro because that is the official businessman accessory.

It doesn’t matter if you’re flipping burgers, a struggle-bar-rapper, or even a sales associate working for minimum wage. Your current position on your LinkedIn profile is what matters. Son, you’re now a fucking senior executive sales projecting analyst manager at Google! That title makes no fucking sense, but neither does the lifestyle of these fitness models. We all know they’re lowkey escorts. One photoshoot for a lingerie brand won’t be able to buy them a private jet to Dubai, Ibiza, and Aspen in a single week. You’re not even lying; you’re merely role-playing as a senior executive sales projecting analyst manager.

Now create an Instagram account, Photoshop yourself in pictures of people in Dubai, Ibiza, and Aspen. Hell, even use some stock photos of people that may look like you. It doesn’t have to match you a 100%; 15% is sufficient. Fill your Instagram account with pictures of various places and activities that rich old men with leathery tanned skin do, acting like they’re in their 20s. Also, find some images of charity events and add the hashtags such as #blessed and #charity. It shows that you like spending money and helping out poor souls. She will think she can prepare a sob story for you and trap you with it. Little does she know, you’re a mile ahead of her. When she does DM you with a past sob story, keep replying with, “Wow, you’re such a strong woman!”

Create another Instagram account pretending to be your assistant. Direct message a fitness model from the “assistant’s” profile. Tell her you’re assisting a businessman looking for an open-minded female interested in a relationship, and direct her to your “main” account. Just mentioning the words open-minded lets the IG thot know that you know she’s an escort, but you want “wife” her up. She will then check your Instagram profile, evaluating your materialistic assets based on a few images. Once you’ve piqued her interest, she will reply, and then you simply work your charm from there.

Don’t be open about what you do for a living; merely say business. Eventually, you want to slip in your LinkedIn profile after replying to her. Be subtle about it too, so it doesn’t seem evident that you’re luring her. She doesn’t like it when a man knows her game. Play dumb. You could pretend to offer her a job and tell her to add you on LinkedIn. Now she’s convinced that you’re making that “paper.”

When the time comes to meet up with her, you really don’t have to rent an expensive car or dress well. She already believes you’re rich. You can tell her that you like driving a regular car because it reminds you of when you had to struggle. She doesn’t care about you, so your little date will end quickly. Now comes the smashing portion of the day with this IG thot. By all means, smash and keep smashing the entire night. After you’re done and really can’t go for round 4, tell her that you will have to break up whatever you guys had. Tell her that you’re actually a hermit and can barely afford the hotel room and if she’s willing to cover you or split the cost. She will be raging, obviously, but for your safety, make sure you record everything from the moment you meet her. Recordings can be used in federal court.

If, for any reason, any of that fails, you can try hooking up with a single mother of 8 illegitimate children at a grocery store using this solid guide here: